That is probably one of my absolute favorite lyrics from a Bloc Party song [and I've got a lot].
But I think that's how I am about a lot of things. I don't understand why people go looking for answers all of the time. If there is no question, why bother seeking out an answer? I do it sometimes, I look for answers within non-existent questions. I don't know, just an observation. Nothing specific, I've just been thinking about it a lot. Maybe I'll get a tattoo for it. Haha.
So this weekend has been so nice and relaxing. You have no idea. I've just hung out, watched movies, done homework. I really couldn't ask for anything more. Sometimes it's nice to just take a break like that.
I really don't have too much to say today, granted it's only like 4.30, but hopefully I'll have a real update or something tomorrow.
There's always something going on with me, who am I kidding? Haha.
Love.
26 April 2008
There Is A Wall That Runs Right Through Me
It's been a while, I know, I had some things to figure out. And I did, for the most part. I'm not as bitter as I was.
What fixed it was Tuesday.
Tuesday Michelle and I went out, on one of our walks, and I decided to surprise her with Swirlz. Well we went, then decided we wanted to keep walking, and ended up at Oz Park, which turned into us wanting to go to the beach. We walked for a while then found this park by the Lincoln Park Zoo and played there for a while, then we went to the Zoo, and then walked to the beach.
There was a moment there where I felt like everything was perfect. I've never really felt that way before, I was so relaxed and calm. I was so content with everything.
After we kept walking, and walked along Michigan Avenue on the hunt for a Panera, then we went to the MCA Store, and I found the most amazing thing in the whole world. We couldn't find a Panera over there, so we got on the El, and found the one over by the train station. We came back, and it really was the perfect ending to a perfect day. Honestly, it was exactly what I needed, and it felt so good.
Getting back to DePaul kind of sucked. I'm really sort of over this place. I don't know, I require change, and the thought of being here three more years really makes me nervous. And kind of sick to my stomach. Don't get me wrong, it's a great school, but... I'm just sort of over the area. I know this campus front and back, I'd rather have something different.
But that's a whole other issue.
I'm hoping to get my tattoo soon, so hopefully I'll have pictures of that within the next week or so.
I'm just so obnoxiously optimistic today, thank goodness no one is here!
I don't know, I just woke up this morning feeling so good about everything. Again, not really something I can explain. I can never really explain myself, but it's not really a fault. At least, I don't think so.
I am distancing myself from certain things which helps, I finally feel like I know what I want in my life, which is an amazing feeling.
Well I think it's time to dance around like an idiot in my rooms to get rid of some excess energy.
Love.
What fixed it was Tuesday.
Tuesday Michelle and I went out, on one of our walks, and I decided to surprise her with Swirlz. Well we went, then decided we wanted to keep walking, and ended up at Oz Park, which turned into us wanting to go to the beach. We walked for a while then found this park by the Lincoln Park Zoo and played there for a while, then we went to the Zoo, and then walked to the beach.
There was a moment there where I felt like everything was perfect. I've never really felt that way before, I was so relaxed and calm. I was so content with everything.
After we kept walking, and walked along Michigan Avenue on the hunt for a Panera, then we went to the MCA Store, and I found the most amazing thing in the whole world. We couldn't find a Panera over there, so we got on the El, and found the one over by the train station. We came back, and it really was the perfect ending to a perfect day. Honestly, it was exactly what I needed, and it felt so good.
Getting back to DePaul kind of sucked. I'm really sort of over this place. I don't know, I require change, and the thought of being here three more years really makes me nervous. And kind of sick to my stomach. Don't get me wrong, it's a great school, but... I'm just sort of over the area. I know this campus front and back, I'd rather have something different.
But that's a whole other issue.
I'm hoping to get my tattoo soon, so hopefully I'll have pictures of that within the next week or so.
I'm just so obnoxiously optimistic today, thank goodness no one is here!
I don't know, I just woke up this morning feeling so good about everything. Again, not really something I can explain. I can never really explain myself, but it's not really a fault. At least, I don't think so.
I am distancing myself from certain things which helps, I finally feel like I know what I want in my life, which is an amazing feeling.
Well I think it's time to dance around like an idiot in my rooms to get rid of some excess energy.
Love.
22 April 2008
Keep Your Secrets Secret.
Have you ever realized that you don't need as many people in your life as you have? And then you start to think about how you've made it without them? You don't really need them around.
I've been stressing so hard about not being able to get a hold of one of my friends, which is what I think triggered my breakdown the other night, and now I realize, why bother getting so worked up about it? There's really nothing to worry about if they don't care, or at least put forth an effort. You can't get upset about it because if they won't try, why should it matter? You obviously don't need them in your life to begin with, especially if all it seems to do is stress you out.
Ah, it felt good to get that out there.
Anywho, yesterday Michelle and I went for smoothies, then later, we went for a walk. We went to Lush on Armitage, then we went to Argo. It's becoming our routine, Lush and Argo hahaha. I like it. Today I think we should go to Swirlz, well it's what I'm hoping. I can't see her saying no. They're cupcakes for crying out loud!
Michelle really helped to cheer me up yesterday, even though we didn't really talk about much, we just sort of walked around and talked about other things. I liked it. Then again, I've decided to keep all of this to myself, so... it's okay. I'm glad I have her here.
AND OMG KELLY IS AWESOME IN HUMAN FORM.
Last night she got me Coldstone and we watched a lot of Degrassi. It was amazing and we were cracking jokes and I felt somewhat like my normal self. I love her to pieces. Even if she's messy. She's still the greatest roommate in the whole world.
Love.
I've been stressing so hard about not being able to get a hold of one of my friends, which is what I think triggered my breakdown the other night, and now I realize, why bother getting so worked up about it? There's really nothing to worry about if they don't care, or at least put forth an effort. You can't get upset about it because if they won't try, why should it matter? You obviously don't need them in your life to begin with, especially if all it seems to do is stress you out.
Ah, it felt good to get that out there.
Anywho, yesterday Michelle and I went for smoothies, then later, we went for a walk. We went to Lush on Armitage, then we went to Argo. It's becoming our routine, Lush and Argo hahaha. I like it. Today I think we should go to Swirlz, well it's what I'm hoping. I can't see her saying no. They're cupcakes for crying out loud!
Michelle really helped to cheer me up yesterday, even though we didn't really talk about much, we just sort of walked around and talked about other things. I liked it. Then again, I've decided to keep all of this to myself, so... it's okay. I'm glad I have her here.
AND OMG KELLY IS AWESOME IN HUMAN FORM.
Last night she got me Coldstone and we watched a lot of Degrassi. It was amazing and we were cracking jokes and I felt somewhat like my normal self. I love her to pieces. Even if she's messy. She's still the greatest roommate in the whole world.
Love.
21 April 2008
Out Of My Mind
I need to get out of my head.
I just want to completely disconnect from everything and everyone.
It's one of those things that's easier said than done.
I know this, yet I'm still going to try. It's all mind over matter. I guess that's how it is with most things. To give anything up, you have to have immense amounts of will power. It's time to test that, my will power, I need to know how much I have.
To just completely disappear for a while I think would be good for me. I'm still going to keep up with this blog though, writing is cathartic. And even if I do this, I'm not completely gone. People who know about this, which isn't that many I suppose, but they'll know I'm still around. I'm just taking a break, for how long? Who knows? Just for a while, until I get everything straightened out. I just can't deal with it all right now. It's not good for me.
I've signed off of AIM and Skype indefinitely. I probably won't even check facebook as much. I've tried giving that up completely but I only made it like 4 days. So we'll see with that one, but I'll do my best. I don't even know if I'll answer my phone for anyone. Not even my dad, I just don't want anyone to see or hear me like this. Why bother? No one needs to worry about me. I'm not.
I just need a break for a while. That's all.
I just want to completely disconnect from everything and everyone.
It's one of those things that's easier said than done.
I know this, yet I'm still going to try. It's all mind over matter. I guess that's how it is with most things. To give anything up, you have to have immense amounts of will power. It's time to test that, my will power, I need to know how much I have.
To just completely disappear for a while I think would be good for me. I'm still going to keep up with this blog though, writing is cathartic. And even if I do this, I'm not completely gone. People who know about this, which isn't that many I suppose, but they'll know I'm still around. I'm just taking a break, for how long? Who knows? Just for a while, until I get everything straightened out. I just can't deal with it all right now. It's not good for me.
I've signed off of AIM and Skype indefinitely. I probably won't even check facebook as much. I've tried giving that up completely but I only made it like 4 days. So we'll see with that one, but I'll do my best. I don't even know if I'll answer my phone for anyone. Not even my dad, I just don't want anyone to see or hear me like this. Why bother? No one needs to worry about me. I'm not.
I just need a break for a while. That's all.
20 April 2008
But I'd Rather Not Be Seen
I went for a walk with Michelle and Kristy today.
We went to Border's and Whole Foods.
Earlier I watched "Garden State."
It's such a good movie.
I applaud Zach Braff for making it, he plays such a happy go lucky person on "Scrubs" so it's always good to see different sides to actors. You would never guess that he had such issues with depression.
Depression is a strange thing isn't it? With some people it's so apparent when they're depressed, with others, you wouldn't really know would you? I think part of it is that most people want to turn a blind eye when people are depressed, whether it is purposeful or not. What I mean by that is you can think a person is depressed and choose not to acknowledge it, or you are so wrapped up in yourself that you simply don't see it. Instead, most people assume that it will just go away, which it typically does. Just not all the time. And most of the time, people have no idea why they are depressed, which makes it tricky. I mean, how can you help a person if they don't even know what's wrong? Most of the time when people are depressed, they don't even want help. They don't want people to know, but depression can be hard to hide. Then you have depressed people that are really good at masking it, sometimes, you would never know. I'm being redundant, aren't I?
We went to Border's and Whole Foods.
Earlier I watched "Garden State."
It's such a good movie.
I applaud Zach Braff for making it, he plays such a happy go lucky person on "Scrubs" so it's always good to see different sides to actors. You would never guess that he had such issues with depression.
Depression is a strange thing isn't it? With some people it's so apparent when they're depressed, with others, you wouldn't really know would you? I think part of it is that most people want to turn a blind eye when people are depressed, whether it is purposeful or not. What I mean by that is you can think a person is depressed and choose not to acknowledge it, or you are so wrapped up in yourself that you simply don't see it. Instead, most people assume that it will just go away, which it typically does. Just not all the time. And most of the time, people have no idea why they are depressed, which makes it tricky. I mean, how can you help a person if they don't even know what's wrong? Most of the time when people are depressed, they don't even want help. They don't want people to know, but depression can be hard to hide. Then you have depressed people that are really good at masking it, sometimes, you would never know. I'm being redundant, aren't I?
19 April 2008
Nothing Comes For Free
OMG Alex and I saw "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" last night.
Everyone and their mother needs to get on that shit. Seriously, SO amazing.
I had really high expectations for it, and it absolutely exceeded them. I was so impressed. Even the soundtrack was badass.
I just ran to Taboo Taboo with Amanda because her and I haven't done anything in forever. I love her too much, we had so much fun. And we went to Potbelly's for lunch. Oh so good.
I'm still skype creepin on Liss because I haven't talked to her in what feels like ages and I just want her to come home. For reals.
DUDES the effing plumber still hasn't come to fix our shit, it's really pissing me off. I just want to shower. Ughhhhhhhhh. It's killing me.
I would seriously give anything for a day with absolutely nothing to do.
But then again, I guess I wouldn't have anything to write about.
Love.
Everyone and their mother needs to get on that shit. Seriously, SO amazing.
I had really high expectations for it, and it absolutely exceeded them. I was so impressed. Even the soundtrack was badass.
I just ran to Taboo Taboo with Amanda because her and I haven't done anything in forever. I love her too much, we had so much fun. And we went to Potbelly's for lunch. Oh so good.
I'm still skype creepin on Liss because I haven't talked to her in what feels like ages and I just want her to come home. For reals.
DUDES the effing plumber still hasn't come to fix our shit, it's really pissing me off. I just want to shower. Ughhhhhhhhh. It's killing me.
I would seriously give anything for a day with absolutely nothing to do.
But then again, I guess I wouldn't have anything to write about.
Love.
17 April 2008
Live The Dream Like The 80s Never Happened
Well today I really wanted to get up early so I could get more done, but that really didn't happen, but hopefully now it will. I have a to do list about a million miles long, so hopefully I can work it all out. I've got so much to do!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh well, I have faith in myself, I can do it. Hopefully I can get everything done between today and tomorrow so I can just take it easy this weekend. Or clean. Probably clean, unless by some miracle I get that done within the next couple of days. Ha! Yeah right...
I'm really considering laying low for the rest of the weekend, I'm just so overwhelmed lately, you know? I feel like everyone has just been... I don't know... I love my friends but... Whatever. I say it but the odds of me meaning it are slim.
I'll probably just creep on Skype and wait for Liss to come on since I haven't talked to her in ages. And I miss her. And I just want her to come home. Lately I go to my phone, look at it, and realize I can't call her, because she's off in the jungle. It depresses me like you don't even know. I just want her home. Now. Ugh.
I've really got to stop being such an emo crap face.
Love.
Oh well, I have faith in myself, I can do it. Hopefully I can get everything done between today and tomorrow so I can just take it easy this weekend. Or clean. Probably clean, unless by some miracle I get that done within the next couple of days. Ha! Yeah right...
I'm really considering laying low for the rest of the weekend, I'm just so overwhelmed lately, you know? I feel like everyone has just been... I don't know... I love my friends but... Whatever. I say it but the odds of me meaning it are slim.
I'll probably just creep on Skype and wait for Liss to come on since I haven't talked to her in ages. And I miss her. And I just want her to come home. Lately I go to my phone, look at it, and realize I can't call her, because she's off in the jungle. It depresses me like you don't even know. I just want her home. Now. Ugh.
I've really got to stop being such an emo crap face.
Love.
15 April 2008
A Snowflake
I'm having issues with everyone else getting done with school so much earlier than me, I feel like I'm almost done so I'm getting lazy. But I definitely have like two more months left. Ick.
You know what I'm discovering a major pet peeve of mine?
When people try to be you, like not just emulate, but basically trying to turn into you.
It baffles me. Find yourself, and stick with it. I mean you can have things in common with people, but there's a limit you know?
Oo, one of my Bloc Party shirts came in the mail today. YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited, I can't wait to wear it. AND I have another one coming soon hopefully, like tomorrow. Oh it makes me so happy!
I've been mega sick lately, and I feel like there is no end in sight. Bleh. Oh well. It will be gone EVENTUALLY.
I have so much I was supposed to get done today, and I haven't even gotten half of it done. So I should probably get back to it.
Probably.
Love.
You know what I'm discovering a major pet peeve of mine?
When people try to be you, like not just emulate, but basically trying to turn into you.
It baffles me. Find yourself, and stick with it. I mean you can have things in common with people, but there's a limit you know?
Oo, one of my Bloc Party shirts came in the mail today. YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited, I can't wait to wear it. AND I have another one coming soon hopefully, like tomorrow. Oh it makes me so happy!
I've been mega sick lately, and I feel like there is no end in sight. Bleh. Oh well. It will be gone EVENTUALLY.
I have so much I was supposed to get done today, and I haven't even gotten half of it done. So I should probably get back to it.
Probably.
Love.
11 April 2008
Money to burn, money to burn, money to burn
So I went shopping yesterday (2 days ago now?) and I bought ridic amounts of fun stuff at Ulta. It's so easy to spend money there. Seriously. I got a ton of new makeup and stuff, and I bought new hair dye, so that will (hopefully) be happening soon. Probably next week, I talked to Becky and now Amanda wants to help. We're talking about going to Taboo Taboo (my fave sex shop... which is currently hiring...hmmmm...) and then dying my hair, it should be good times. And I'm finally getting my hair cut next week, at Ulta. Goodbye money.
AND I found a waxing place in Lincoln Park, which is apparently the BEST in the city, so adios dinero. Oh well, I'll have a job soon so it will be okay.
Also, I woke up this morning will total lack of voice, I seriously sound like my 13 year old brother, if he were about to cry. Madness. Came out of nowhere I feel like.
Well I only have time for a quick update, time to get back to my insomnia, peace out.
Love.
AND I found a waxing place in Lincoln Park, which is apparently the BEST in the city, so adios dinero. Oh well, I'll have a job soon so it will be okay.
Also, I woke up this morning will total lack of voice, I seriously sound like my 13 year old brother, if he were about to cry. Madness. Came out of nowhere I feel like.
Well I only have time for a quick update, time to get back to my insomnia, peace out.
Love.
08 April 2008
Play It Cool Boy, Play It Cool
I've got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow. Well actually more of a busy afternoon/evening. Ho hum. It's alright I guess, I'll just have to spend the morning doing homework. Yippee...
I've still got a million and two things to do tonight, but that's fine.
Tomorrow I have to go to class, then I'll have like an hour or so to kill, then I'm meeting Kristy and we're heading to Ulta so I can pick up some stuff and then we'll meet Michelle at the bookstore, and then shopping, WOO, and then I'll probably head back here, then homework.
Kristy and I also have to get Michelle's birthday gifts, which we are having issues making time for, but I think we'll be fine. Hopefully Thursday or Friday or something, we'll see. Oo, I just remember new Office on Thursday, FINALLY.
Yikes, I also have to get birthday cards: Aunt Lisa, Mikey, my mommy, and Auntie Carol. I already got Michelle's so that's good. I've got a lot going on this week.
Oh well, it's fine...
I like being busy, it makes me forget about things, I just get focused on getting specific tasks done on time.
But for now, it's back to reading...
I've still got a million and two things to do tonight, but that's fine.
Tomorrow I have to go to class, then I'll have like an hour or so to kill, then I'm meeting Kristy and we're heading to Ulta so I can pick up some stuff and then we'll meet Michelle at the bookstore, and then shopping, WOO, and then I'll probably head back here, then homework.
Kristy and I also have to get Michelle's birthday gifts, which we are having issues making time for, but I think we'll be fine. Hopefully Thursday or Friday or something, we'll see. Oo, I just remember new Office on Thursday, FINALLY.
Yikes, I also have to get birthday cards: Aunt Lisa, Mikey, my mommy, and Auntie Carol. I already got Michelle's so that's good. I've got a lot going on this week.
Oh well, it's fine...
I like being busy, it makes me forget about things, I just get focused on getting specific tasks done on time.
But for now, it's back to reading...
07 April 2008
Wake Up Dreamer, It's Happening Without You
I'm sending my resume into Lush today, and I REALLY hope I get the job. Shan says I was made for it, but let's just hope the manager feels the same way.
I also can't wait for this summer. Seriously, CANNOT WAIT. In June: Bonnaroo, July: Pitchfork, and August: Lollapalooza. Which just brings more emphasis to the job situation.
But it's also looking more and more like I'll be living in the city this summer, in my own place. This simultaneously scares me shitless and and excites the hell out of me.
This week is going to be INSANE, I have a ton of homework, a ton of appointments, and a ton of phone calls to make. WOO, I won't be too social for a while.
Well sort of, I'm sure I'll go work out with Kristy or something. A lot. I'm getting that itch again.
And I'm really feeling good about things, more than usual. I feel really optimistic, and like things are really falling into place.
I like control.
And I feel ready to walk away from a lot of the relationships I have with some people, which I think will be endlessly healthy for me, and I'm also ready to let some people back in.
I've had a good week, and I realized a lot about myself.
The thing that scares me about getting a job is that I might not be able to see people as much, but I figure if I get my own place, that may work out a lot better.
I've really been pushing myself lately, but in a good way, I don't know if it's the weather or what, but I've been really social and going out a lot more than I typically would. And it's been working out really well.
Oh and can I just say, Bloc Party at Lollapalooza... Dream come true. I'll be the one screaming "KELE!!!!!!!!!!!!" and dancing like a buffoon.
Bad habits.
We all have them.
Some of them are obvious, others aren't as easy to see.
I smoke, but I have so many other demons lurking below, and one of them seems to be creeping back up.
But it's a rush and I'm excited, and I've found someone to partake with me.
Hoorah for guilt free.
Keep those complements coming.
I also can't wait for this summer. Seriously, CANNOT WAIT. In June: Bonnaroo, July: Pitchfork, and August: Lollapalooza. Which just brings more emphasis to the job situation.
But it's also looking more and more like I'll be living in the city this summer, in my own place. This simultaneously scares me shitless and and excites the hell out of me.
This week is going to be INSANE, I have a ton of homework, a ton of appointments, and a ton of phone calls to make. WOO, I won't be too social for a while.
Well sort of, I'm sure I'll go work out with Kristy or something. A lot. I'm getting that itch again.
And I'm really feeling good about things, more than usual. I feel really optimistic, and like things are really falling into place.
I like control.
And I feel ready to walk away from a lot of the relationships I have with some people, which I think will be endlessly healthy for me, and I'm also ready to let some people back in.
I've had a good week, and I realized a lot about myself.
The thing that scares me about getting a job is that I might not be able to see people as much, but I figure if I get my own place, that may work out a lot better.
I've really been pushing myself lately, but in a good way, I don't know if it's the weather or what, but I've been really social and going out a lot more than I typically would. And it's been working out really well.
Oh and can I just say, Bloc Party at Lollapalooza... Dream come true. I'll be the one screaming "KELE!!!!!!!!!!!!" and dancing like a buffoon.
Bad habits.
We all have them.
Some of them are obvious, others aren't as easy to see.
I smoke, but I have so many other demons lurking below, and one of them seems to be creeping back up.
But it's a rush and I'm excited, and I've found someone to partake with me.
Hoorah for guilt free.
Keep those complements coming.
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